


The Death of Me

by HixyStix (GaiaMyles)



Series: Non-Gabe Rich Bingo 2019 [3]
Category: Jericho (US 2006)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Kid Fic, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-25 19:05:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18580711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GaiaMyles/pseuds/HixyStix
Summary: When the chance for a second love comes around, will Bill Koehler be ready for it?





	The Death of Me

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Marianas Trench's _The Death of Me_ , which was also the original inspiration for this fic.
> 
> Thanks to [WarlockWriter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarlockWriter/pseuds/WarlockWriter) for the beta!
> 
> Fulfills the squares "Single Dad" and "Flirting" for the Non Gabe Rich Bingo!

When September 25th rolled around, Bill did his best to ignore it.  The anniversary was just too painful to think about.

One year ago exactly, he’d become a widower and his kids had been left with a single dad who worked too damn much.  It wasn’t a good day for any of them.

He _tried_ to make it a good day.  Ashley had a field trip at school – always fun – and he arranged for Josh to spend the day with grandparents.  His parents would pick up Ashley and the two would have a sleepover with them.

Bill was willing to try anything to keep them out of the house today.  Anything to stop them moping.

He did the same.  Jimmy invited him over for an evening of beer and dinner and sitting around heckling the President’s speech.  As far as Bill was concerned, his kids were taken care of, so he had nowhere better to be and nothing better to be doing.  If he got so plastered he forgot what day it was, all the better.

Next thing he knew, he was stone cold sober, staring at a mushroom cloud over Denver.

Jimmy tried to call the station.  Bill tried to call his parents, but his cell wasn’t connecting.  He looked at Jimmy and got a shrug – the landline wasn’t getting through either.

Bill wanted nothing more than to hop in his car, pick up his kids, and take them home where they would all be safe and together – but work came first.  Work was always first when you were a deputy.  He buttoned up his uniform shirt, clipped on his tie, and headed out to Mayor Green’s house with Jimmy and his family.

If Bill thought he was going to see his family anytime soon, he was sorely mistaken.  No sooner did they determine Jericho was free of radiation than they found out the third grade field trip never made it home.

That chilled Bill’s blood.  Ashley was out there, who knew where, probably scared to death.  Would she even know what a mushroom cloud was?  What it meant?  Or was it just some neat looking cloud?

Why hadn’t his parents called to tell him she was late?

Bill didn’t get to think long.  They split up to search for the lost bus once dusk came and it still hadn’t arrived.

He relaxed when the Sheriff radioed that he’d found the bus.  Ashley was going to be okay.  If only they didn’t have to keep looking for damn Jake Green.

A broken down car sat on the side of the road, its occupants crowded around the open hood.  Jimmy pulled over to help, as good law enforcement does, and they very quickly regretted their kindness.

 

The blow landed on Bill’s cheek and all he could think was, “Of course this all happens today.”

Of course the world went to hell on the anniversary of his wife’s death.  Of course he was about to die.  Of course his kids were going to be orphans.

The only consolation was that maybe he’d get to see Michelle again.  She could yell at him for being so stupid and letting himself get caught and tied up by the so-called stranded motorists.

‘Stranded motorists,’ yeah.  Try ‘escaped convicts with prison-issue shotguns.’  No dummy rounds in those things.

He tried to stay upright, kneeling on the ground, bracing himself as the butt of one of the shotguns hit him over and over in the ribs and the stomach and once above his right eye.  He’d mouthed off before they gagged him with duct tape, not because he was feeling particularly sassy, but because it took the attention off of Jimmy – and whatever Bill did, he was going to watch out for his partner.

Even if it killed him.

Maybe Jimmy would survive and he and Margaret would adopt Ashley and Josh and the kids would hear stories of him.  Josh was only five and would probably forget Bill.  He barely remembered Michelle.  Ashley would remember them both, but she was already developing anxiety like Bill and she’d need someone calm like Jimmy in her life.

Yeah, Jimmy had to make it out of here.

Blood ran down Bill’s face, soaking into his undershirt.  He wavered a little, getting dizzy from that last head blow.  He felt sick when he tried to focus on the goateed man in front of him and knew that was a bad sign.

Were they just going to beat them to death?  Make them unrecognizable and then dump their bodies somewhere?  Or were they going to be merciful and shoot them with their own service pistols?

Bill knew he was going to die, but something in him – the dad in him, probably – fought to hold on anyway, to look for an escape.  He owed it to his kids to stay with them if he could.  He owed it to Jimmy to see him safely back to Margaret and _his_ kids.

Stumbling painfully to his feet, he attempted to head-butt the guy with the goatee.

It didn’t work.  The other guy – JP, he’d been called – caught him mid-rush and held him while Goatee bound his feet.

That when he realized Jimmy was in the patrol car’s trunk and he was going in next.

Yeah, he was really going to die tonight.  Kidnapped cops didn’t escape; they just got found dead a county or two over where no one would recognize them.

He thrashed in JP’s arms, but it did no good.  He was dumped atop Jimmy and the trunk lid closed, leaving them in the dark.  His continued struggles only landed him further back in the trunk, hearing Jimmy grunt in pain every time Bill moved.

That wasn’t good.  He shouldn’t be hurting Jimmy.

God, he’d failed at everything.  He hadn’t been able to save his partner.  He’d been a terrible husband who hadn’t taken time off to drive the family to Michelle’s parents’ place and avoid the accident that killed her.  He still worked so much that his felt he barely saw his kids and now he was about to abandon them, too.

At least the kids had all their grandparents, he thought as his head began to spin again.  At least they would still have _some_ family who loved them.

Maybe they’d know he had.

Bill tried to hold on to that thought as he blacked out.

 

The trunk opened and Bill came to painfully and abruptly as the light hit his eyes.  From what he could tell, everything hurt.  He must have passed out, because it’d been dark when he and Jimmy were shoved into the trunk.

Looking up, he could barely make out Emily Sullivan against the bright sky.  She looked worried.

Well, maybe she should be.  Those convicts might still be around.

“Run, Emily.  Run!” whispered Jimmy once she pulled the duct tape off his mouth.

Emily disappeared, but it was too late.  There was a commotion – people running and a gunshot – but they were stuck where they were.

Bill had to listen to the standoff as the fugitives threatened to kill someone female – Emily? – and then the talk was cut off by more gunshots.  He winced at each shot, both from the pounding, noise-sensitive headache and from worry for Emily and whoever else was out there.

Jake Green appeared, looking as surprised to see them as Bill was to see him.  He cut the rest of their duct tape off with a pocket knife and called out, “Bonnie!”

Sickeningly, Bill realized it must have been Bonnie – young, innocent Bonnie – who’d been held hostage.

Jake helped Jimmy climb out of the trunk and Bonnie helped Jimmy pull Bill out.  He came slowly, ribs and head both screaming in pain.  He finally was able to see enough to know that he was at the Richmonds’.

“Go, guys, go!” yelled Jake, directing them to the storm shelter.  Jimmy stopped to pick up their guns from the fugitives and then helped Bonnie support Bill as he limped to the cellar doors and down the stairs.

Bill hobbled over to the cot with Bonnie’s help, wincing as Jake and Emily ran down the stairs and rain pounded on the metal doors.

Jimmy stood close by, studying him.  “What did they do to you?” he asked gently.  “I think I got away with just bruises.”

Bill had done his job after all, then.  Waving a hand at the places he mentioned, Bill pointed out where he’d been hurt.  “Head.  Nose.  Ribs,” he croaked.  “I’ll be okay.”

Nodding, Jimmy handed him his revolver.  Not the same as his service pistol, but it’d do.  He felt better already just holding it.  Carefully, he stuck it into the waist of his pants – a dangerous way to carry, but the convicts had taken his duty belt and holster.

Time passed slowly in the cellar as the rain continued to fall.  Bill’s biggest excitement was hearing that Jake had found the school bus with all the students and brought it home safely.  Stanley showing up was also exciting – his friend was alive! – but nothing was quite like hearing Ashley was safe and sound and with his parents.

The rain finally stopped and thank God Jake sent Bill to the clinic with Stanley and Emily.  He needed _something_ for the pain, even if he was doing his best to hide it.  No sense making anyone worry about him.

 

An hour later, Bill stood in Town Hall, still amazed that he was alive.  That Jimmy was alive and here after helping clear out the entrance to the salt mine.

They’d gotten second chances and Bill wasn’t going to waste his.  As soon as they finished this meeting with the mayor, he was going to go pick up his kids, hug them, and never let go – broken ribs be damned.

If he’d hoped the mayor would provide good news, he was sorely mistaken.  Bill and Jimmy stood there and listened while Mayor Green told them all their coworkers were gone – killed by the same group of men that had kidnapped the two of them.  And, by the way, there were at least two bombs, which probably meant there had been more.

Bill sunk in a chair as he tried to process everything.  How was he going to explain all this to his kids?  The bombs?  Why he hadn’t come home last night?  What was going to happen from here on out?

Exhausted to his core, Bill trudged up the door of his parents’ house.  His mom looked like she’d seen a ghost when she answered the door and Bill knew he must look horrible – bruises and cuts and bandages everywhere.

None of that stopped Ashley and Josh from barreling towards him and almost knocking him down with hugs.  Bill grunted in pain, but he hugged them tightly anyway.

Some things were worth a little pain.

~~~

 

The next few days were confusing for Bill and the kids both.  He tried to give them a G-rated version of what had happened, but Ashley was obviously unsatisfied with the answer.

“But why would they hurt you?” she asked that first night.  “You were just trying to help.”

“Sometimes there are bad people in the world, honey,” Bill said, tucking her into bed.  “It’s my job to find them and keep them from hurting other people.  You know that.  Sometimes that means I get hurt.  But it’s okay; I’m home now and safe, just like you and Josh are.”

He gave her a kiss, checked on Josh one more time, and limped into his pajamas.  He was just pulling the covers back to go to bed himself when Ashley peeked her head into the bedroom, asking if she could sleep with him.  She’d had a nightmare, she said, and it was too dark without a nightlight.

Usually, Bill would have said no – he tried not to indulge the kids too much just because he felt guilty for working so much – but he couldn’t refuse her tonight.  Nor could he refuse Josh when he showed up a half hour later.  Both kids curled up on what had been Michelle’s pillow and Bill laid there carefully, trying to ignore the pain so he could actually sleep. 

It didn’t help that both kids kicked him in their sleep.  Bill rolled as far away as he could get and tried not to think about how close they’d all come to losing each other.

 

One week after the bombs, Jericho was still in the dark.  Half the volunteer fire department had gone to hook up with FEMA, Bill and Jimmy had started hiring and training new deputies, and Bill was beginning to wonder if this was the new normal.

People were _trying_ to go about as normal.  Stores opened, working on cash and barter.  Bill walked his kids to school each day, though he wasn’t sure how much they were actually learning right now.

Today, almost as soon as he got to the sheriff’s station, a miracle happened – the lights came on.

Bill didn’t know what to make of it all for a second – electricity back? – but then the phones started ringing.  All of them: the ones at each desk and the one in the sheriff’s office that was on a different line.

He dashed to his desk and picked up.  A recorded voice greeted him.

_“Hello.  This is Assistant Secretary Walsh from the Department of Homeland Security.  Do not be alarmed.  If you are safe, stay where you are.  Do not attempt to leave.  We will be in contact again shortly.  Until then, know that help is on the way.”_

The message cycled again and again.  At no point did the message stop, even repeating after Bill hung up and tried to call out.  He looked out into the office and saw some of the new guys crowded around a phone, just as puzzled as he was.  They all looked at him.

Well, he supposed he _was_ the senior deputy here right now, at least until Jimmy got there.  Masking his confusion, he strode out of the station towards the Mayor’s office.  Jimmy was in the lobby with Eric Green.

“Hey, did your phone ring?” he asked, pointing at Eric, hoping the mayor’s son would know something.

“Yeah.  Everyone’s phones did.  All the landlines in town,” he said.

That didn’t really answer the question Bill meant to ask.  “Why?”

Mayor Green walked in, catching the last of their conversation.  “Because Kansas has a reverse 911 system.  If there’s an emergency, it just pulses out a call.  That’s what we all heard.”

“Why can’t we call out?”  That seemed like something very important.

Nonplussed, the mayor replied, “Everybody’s trying to use the phone at the same time; system’s overloaded.”

Okay, that made some sense.  Next item on Bill’s mental checklist: “Think the power’s back for good?”

“I don’t know, but I’m not going to count on it,” grumbled the mayor.

 

Bill had his instructions: sit at the phones and try to call the National Guard unit in Great Bend.  Jimmy handled the new guys, getting ready to send them out to check with the main businesses in town to make sure things were okay.

His radio squawked and Bill almost missed what it said.  Then it hit him.  Fire at the library.

“Jesus!” he swore, slamming down the phone and rushing into the main room.  “Jimmy, you got the volunteers on the way?”

Jimmy nodded, holding up his own radio, and gave Bill a pointed look.  “We going out, too?”

“We’ve got to,” Bill said.  “You know Chief Carrol took half of ‘em to Denver the other day.  Deputies have to step in.”

“Alright, you guys,” Jimmy said, speaking firmly to the trainees that were there.  “Stay here.  Take reports.  Don’t do _anything_ unless it’s an emergency.”

He and Jimmy sped to the library, lights and sirens blaring, and pulled in just ahead of the fire trucks.

Kids stood off to the side and Bill recognized some of them as Ashley’s class.  What the hell were they doing at a fire?

Bill scanned the crowd for Ashley, but didn’t see her.  Was only part of the class here?

Someone yelled something about people being inside the library and Bill jerked his attention back to the situation at hand.  He followed Jimmy over to the acting chief.  “There’s a second fire over at the south side trailer park,” Stephens explained.  “I sent half the guys over there.”

Jimmy nodded.  “You got what you need here?”

“Yeah, once the water main’s back on and Eric’s out with the teacher and the kid.”

“The kid?”  Bill perked up.

“Some kid went back in for a book,” said another fireman.  “Little girl, I think.”

Bill immediately looked back at the class standing there, heart sinking.  “Shit,” he said.  He started to head towards the building but Jimmy caught him.

“Don’t put yourself in danger, too,” Jimmy warned.

Bill gestured violently towards the class.  “Ashley’s not there.  She’s obsessed with _Alice in Wonderland_ this month.  It’s probably her in there,” he barked.

“And you’re not going to do her any good if you get trapped in there, too!  Eric’s already in there and he’s had as much training as we have.”

Bill was _not_ in the mood to hear Jimmy speak reason.  “My.  Kid,” he seethed.

Refusing to let go of his arm, Jimmy held firm.  “Eric,” he countered.  “Look, they’ve got the water on now.”

And they did.  A few moments later, Eric came out of the building, carrying a soaking wet bundle.

Ashley!

Bill’s heart raced as Eric handed off his daughter to his wife.  Jimmy finally let him go and Bill ran over to the gurney April carried her to.  At this point, Bill didn’t care if the fire was put out or not – he just had to get to his child.

“Daddy!” she cried, before he could say anything. 

Oh, God, her voice was hoarse.  How much smoke had she inhaled?  Was she going to be okay?

“Calm down, Bill,” April said without even looking at him.

Was he that obvious?

Well, he supposed he was allowed to be in this instance.  “You okay, Ashley?” he asked, ignoring April.

She nodded jerkily, wet blonde hair falling in her face and brown eyes wide.  April handed her a face mask and told her to breathe deeply.  Ashley gasped a few times, but soon her breathing evened out.

So did Bill’s.

He glanced back at Jimmy and was waved off.  Okay, Jimmy was going to help the firemen without him.

He stood there, brushing Ashley’s hair back with his fingers, until Jake and Stanley showed up, shouting about another fire in the east woods.

East?  Shit, that’s where his parents lived.  Was Josh in trouble now?

Was this day destined to end in tragedy?  Hadn’t they come close enough already?

Bill waved Jake over – he needed to hear this from the horse’s mouth.

“Not by your place,” Jake said as he walked up.  “But Eric and April are in trouble.”

Oh.  So the fire was in the Pines, not in their older neighborhood closer to town.  Nor the newer community of garden homes where his parents lived that was just to the north.  Bill let out a sigh of relief.

“Daddy,” Ashley said again, oblivious to Bill’s waning panic.  “Uncle Jimmy is waving at you.”

And he was.  With a quick kiss to Ashley’s forehead, Bill jogged back to Jimmy.

“If she’s okay,” Jimmy explained, “we could use you in the bucket chain to save what books we can.”

“She’ll be okay,” Bill said, happy and relieved that he _could_ say it.  “Point me where I need to go.”

Jimmy instructed him to go in the building and start picking up salvageable books.  Bill worked his way inside and found the kids’ reading room.  No one was in there just yet, so he started picking books off the tables and floor.

There was _Alice in Wonderland_.  The damned book that Ashley had gone back for.  With a frown, Bill pocketed the book, purloining it for his daughter.  He figured maybe she’d earned it, as reckless as she’d been, and ignored that technically he was stealing the book.

The things he did for his kids.

~~~

 

The refugees had started arriving right away.  The first ones, all from Denver, didn’t make it.  They were buried in a special cemetery created outside the town, away from the river, just in case they brought radiation with them.

The next refugees came from the north, preemptively seeking warmer climes for the winter.  Nebraska and the Dakotas sent people slowly but surely over that first month.

Bill couldn’t blame them.  The first cold snap was coming soon and _he_ wouldn’t want to get caught out in it.  He just hoped Jericho could sustain them.

Those first surviving refugees, the ones who arrived before the EMP, integrated into the town fairly easily.  They went to work at the clinic or on farms in exchange for places to sleep and food.  They helped with the fall harvest and were a general benefit to the town, in Bill’s opinion.

The schools shut down not long after the EMP – the mayor decided not to use generator power on the large school buildings – and some impromptu daycares popped up, but Bill was lucky enough to have his parents watch Ashley and Josh during his long work hours.  Some days, when he knew he’d be staying in the station, taking reports and overseeing things while Jimmy went out, he even brought them with him.

At first, some of the new deputies groused about the five and eight year old running around the office, but a quick look from Bill usually shut them up.

It was the only time he got with his kids, really.  Ever since the bombs, he’d had to be at work from dawn ‘til midnight.  His heart wasn’t fully in it, though.  He wanted to be at home, with his family, making sure they were safe and cared for and not just seeing them at nights and every other day.  He felt like he owed them better than that.

Unfortunately, he owed the town first.  That’s what he’d sworn when he got his badge and Bill Koehler did not break his vows.

Currently, Bill was at the station, filling out some reports from the day before, leaning on the counter with Josh sitting on it next to him.  He bopped his son on the nose with his pen, getting a giggle out of him, before continuing to write.

At least Josh still found some joy in each day.  Ashley was more anxious – she took after Bill like that, while Josh was more carefree, just like Michelle had been – and spent her time at the station fretting at all the work being done.

“Are there really that many bad things happening?” she asked him, looking at the large stack of paper beside him.

“’Fraid so, kiddo,” he admitted.  “Most of it’s little things, though.”  Little things that were actually quite serious these days, like crop and cattle theft, vandalism, and some fights that got way too physical.  Crime was worse than Jericho had seen before the bombs and Bill wasn’t sure some of their latest newcomers weren’t to blame.  Everyone was on edge, though; he couldn’t deny that.

He was trying to come up with something to assuage Ashley’s fears when one of the first newcomers, a woman from Nebraska named Lisa, came to take the stack of reports away.  She volunteered as an administrative aide; without computers, all reports were paper and paper needed filing.  She’d proved herself useful and adept in dealing with the people who came in looking to complain, but Bill hadn’t paid her much attention beyond that.

“It’s still safer here than out there,” Lisa told Ashley, pausing in her task, “because of the deputies like your dad.”

It had been meant to reassure her, but Ashley hadn’t forgotten that first night after the bombs and how Bill had been nursing those broken ribs up until just recently.  Her frown told him that she wasn’t comforted.

She was too damn perceptive sometimes.

Bill pointed around the room, which held about six volunteers.  “Look, sweetheart, it’s not just me working.  There’s others helping Uncle Jimmy and me.  The guys here, plus about four that are out with Jimmy on calls, and another four that are off today.  Lots more than we had before the bombs, even.”

She pouted.  “You don’t get days off.”

“I want you to stay home,” Josh added.

Bill sighed and gave Ashley a quick side hug.  “I would if I could, guys.  But we need to have the people who are trained here every day and that’s just me and Uncle Jimmy.”

The pout stayed but Bill sensed he wouldn’t be able to fix it unless he took a day off, which simply wasn’t plausible right now.  It was almost Thanksgiving and things just got steadily busier, especially now that Jake was forming the Rangers and wanted Bill to not only be one of them, but help train _those_ recruits, too.

A few more minutes of concentrated writing and Bill finished his reports.  “Stay here,” he instructed his kids, and went to the records room to get Lisa to file them.

“You know,” she said, taking the stack from him.  “You’ve got guys here that were cops in Nebraska and South Dakota.  You and Jimmy could take off and leave things to them from time to time.  Evan’s been here as long as I have and knows the town pretty well.  He’d do a good job if you’d let him.”

Bill frowned.  Jericho couldn’t be left to someone who wasn’t a native son.  Or native daughter, as the case might be.

His frown must have been more of a scowl, because Lisa held up her hands in surrender.  “Just a suggestion, Deputy.  Your kids are right.  You need more time with them and I was just trying to help.”

Forcing himself to relax, he nodded.  “I know you were,” he said.  And you know?  Maybe she had a point.  “I’ll talk to Jimmy about it.  Maybe you’re right.”

“’Course I am,” she said, smiling wide at him, teeth bright against her tanned skin.  “Women are always right, don’t you know?”

Bill’s eyes widened just a bit.  He didn’t know how to safely respond to that, so he did what any self-respecting male would do and ducked out of the room.

“Daddy, Ashley’s being loud,” Josh announced when he got back to the main room.  The boy was right; he’d heard her from the back hallway.  “Can I lock her in a cell?”

Ashley barked a protest and Bill laughed, ruffling Josh’s hair.  “You really think that will make her any quieter?”  He grinned at his son.  “She’ll just have to yell louder to be heard out here.”

Looking at his daughter to see if she laughed, too, Bill noticed she was staring behind him.  He looked back to see Lisa standing in the back of the room, watching the three of them.

Odd.

~~~

 

Gracie Leigh was dead and the manhunt for Jonah Prowse was on.  No one was more fervent in the search than Gray Anderson, which just bolstered Bill’s plan to vote for him in the upcoming election.

Bill was looking forward to that election and regime change.  He liked Johnston Green well enough but the man – for all his military training – was no good at putting his foot down where it needed to go.  Ravenwood?  He’d have let them roll over Jericho.  More refugees showing up and not helping the town out, just taking?  He let them stay in the church basement and shared rations with them.

It wasn’t like most of them couldn’t work.  With only a few exceptions, they were all healthy enough to help out on the farms, cutting firewood, or even filling in as assistants at the clinic.  But no, these latest refugees didn’t do any of that.  There wasn’t room in Jericho over the winter for people like that, in Bill’s opinion.

He was muttering with Peter, one of the local deputies, when he realized Lisa was eavesdropping on them.  The sour look on her face told him what she thought.

Crap.  He didn’t want her to quit volunteering; they needed her.  “You guys who showed up first are part of the town now,” he said, leaning over to look at her.

“Because you welcomed and integrated us.  You didn’t just stick us in a church basement,” she pointed out.  “I don’t think I’d feel invested in the town if I was sleeping on a cold cot, either.”

She had a point, he guessed.  But where would they put so many people?  People with guest rooms had already taken in as many people as they were willing.  He had his room and the kids’ rooms and that was it.  No room for a stranger to fit in their lives.

Hell, no room for _anyone_ in their lives, besides his parents and the kids’ friends.  The same ran true for most people in town, Bill figured.  People were just trying to survive the best they could, with a wary eye out for the upcoming winter.  They mayor hadn’t shared the town’s supply levels with Bill, but he heard enough to guess how low they ran.

“There’s only so much Jericho can spare,” Bill countered.  “We’re trying.”

She raised her eyebrows.  “Are you?”

He watched her walk off, he words echoing in his head.

Were they?

~~~

 

If Bill thought their fifty refugees were a drain on the town’s resources, then the fifty Roger brought in were twice that.

On, he was glad to see Roger again – and see him break up that annoying bad news romance brewing between Jake and Emily – but the refugees he brought were sick and weak and in need of much more care than any who came before them.

At least Gray was in charge now.  He’d almost pushed Bill to kill Jonah without a trial last week, but after his initial shock, Bill got where he was coming from.  Jonah was a menace to the town whether or not he’d killed Gracie.  No one had heard from Mitchell Cafferty since Jonah left town – and while Bill couldn’t say he was _upset_ at that fact, he wasn’t overjoyed that they let Jonah take matters into his own hands.

Wasn’t that what the deputies were supposed to be for?  Even the Rangers would be better than Jonah exacting vengeance.

Bill was upstairs with Harry Carmichael, studying the supplies board yet again, when things started rumbling.  An earthquake?  Another EMP?  Rushing to the window, they saw a tank instead, rolling in with what looked like a military escort.

Both men ran from the room: Harry to see what was going on, Bill to the station to check on Ashley and Josh, who he’d left coloring and doing some worksheets he’d gotten from Heather just to keep them thinking while school was out.

“What’s that, Daddy?” asked Josh, looking a little scared.

“Not sure yet,” Bill said, worried the tank meant them harm.  “Come on, into the sheriff’s office with you both.  We’ll wait here until someone comes to tell us what’s going on.”  It wouldn’t be the _safest_ place, but it’d be safe enough.  At the worst, the kids could hide behind Sheriff Dawes’ old desk while Bill defended them.

Hopefully it didn’t come to that.  His kids had faced enough danger already; they didn’t need to come close to any more.

Half an anxious hour later, Jimmy led the crowd trickling back into the station.  “Bill!  The Marines are here to help us!” he announced happily.

“You sure?”  When Jimmy nodded, Bill relaxed and gestured for his kids to come out of hiding.  “Tell me everything,” he instructed.

 

Marines here now.  Corps of Engineers arriving within weeks.  Supplies and food soon after.

It was too good to be true.

It really _was_ too good to be true.  Nate told him, a message from Jake to all the Rangers that the Marines were fake, that none of their promises were true.

Bill ached to be outside, to help thwart these fakes, but the Rangers had to play dumb for now.  They couldn’t let on that they knew.  They couldn’t let the town realize the ‘Marine’s’ promises were false, couldn’t let them lose hope.

So he stayed in the office, keeping things running, tapping his pen anxiously while he waited for word of the Ranger’s success – or the sound of the tank firing on the town.

The sound of happy humming caught his ear and he looked up to see Lisa practically dance into the station.

“Civilization is back!  You should look happier, Bill,” she chided cheerfully, her smile making her glow, even in the lamplight.

She’d started calling him by his name the last week, instead of just ‘Deputy,’ and Bill didn’t want to admit to himself that he liked it.  She was competent and helpful and, if he let himself think it, quite attractive.  He didn’t let himself think that, though.  It was still only a year and a few months since Michelle died, much too soon for such thoughts, so he did his best to keep Lisa at arm’s length.

Not wanting to be rude, he forced a grin.  “I’m happy,” he said.  “Just don’t want to get let down if they don’t follow through with their promises.”

“You’re such a pessimist,” she said, stopping on the other side of the counter from him.  “Come on, there are actual Marines upstairs eating dinner and promising to bring us back into the modern world.  No more cold baths!  Electricity!  Real food!  Doesn’t that make you excited?”

A part of Bill wanted to burst Lisa’s bubble and tell her the truth, but she wasn’t a Ranger.  He couldn’t tell her.  “It does,” he said, staring awkwardly at the counter between them, at her hands clasped together inches from his.

“Try to sound it,” she said, bending a little to catch his eye.  “We should be celebrating, you know.  I’ll run over to Bailey’s and get us something to toast with.”

Bill looked around the otherwise empty station.  “Lisa, I’m on duty.”

“And the town is full of military, Rangers, and the other deputies on duty.  No one’s gonna try anything.  One drink won’t be a problem.”

It would, Bill knew.  It was against his training, against all the rules.  What Lisa wanted to toast was just a dream, not reality.

And yet he was tempted.

He said nothing, not trusting himself to keep the Rangers’ secret from her much longer.  Surely it would be better to let her down tonight rather than later when the Corps of Engineers never showed?

“I’ll be back,” she promised, and left as quickly as she’d arrived.

Bill leaned forward against the counter, rubbing his face with his hands.  What was he doing?  He should have stopped her, told her ‘no’ firmly.

But… there was a part of him that missed talking to a woman.  Missed the camaraderie and companionship he’d had with Michelle.  Missed feeling like someone other than Jimmy liked him as a person.

Maybe giving in just this one night wouldn’t hurt.

It took Lisa half an hour to return and it looked like she’d had a drink or two already before returning.  She slid a glass across to him and grinned wide, dark eyes sparkling in the light of Bill’s kerosene lamp.  “Time to loosen up a little, Deputy.”

Bill eyed the glass and then looked back up at Lisa.  “You know I’m not supposed to drink on duty,” he reminded her.

“I know,” she said flippantly.  “But these are special circumstances.  They’re drinking upstairs and across the street.  We can drink in here.”  She nudged the glass towards him again.

Fragments of a lecture he’d given Ashley and Josh about peer pressure flitted through Bill’s mind as he took the glass, fingers brushing Lisa’s.  He was not being a good role model right now, but maybe one drink really wouldn’t hurt.

Even if there wasn’t anything to celebrate except the fact that Lisa was happy and he was pretending to be.

The glass was full of Mary’s rotgut, basically straight moonshine and it burned as he took a gulp.  Bill winced and Lisa laughed. 

“You haven’t drunk much since the bombs, have you?” she asked and he wondered how she knew that.

“Kids,” he pointed out.  “I try to stay sober around them and I haven’t had many nights off without them.”

“Yeah,” she said, sipping at her own glass.  When she looked down at it, shadows from her sharp cheekbones crossed her face.  Lisa was all sharp angles and slenderness and dark hair and eyes and bronze skin while Michelle had been rosy and warm and softness and curves.  The two couldn’t be more different and Bill wondered if maybe that was why Lisa was attractive to him – she never reminded him of Michelle.  “You want to spend your free time with them, I know.”

Taking another shot of the moonshine, Bill nodded.  “They’ve only got me,” he said.  “I owe them more time than I can give them.”

She glanced up, catching his eye.  “You give more of yourself than you _have_ ,” she said softly.  “To them and to the town.  When are you going to take something for yourself?”

Bill’s eyes widened.  He was not prepared for that question.  To distract himself, he took another pull of his drink, hissing at the burn as it went down.

When he said nothing, Lisa nodded.  “Right.  Well, I’m going back over to Bailey’s.  Just wanted to make sure you had a nice night, too.”

 _You did_ , he thought about saying, but couldn’t bring himself to.  “Thanks,” he said instead.

Without another word, she grabbed her glass and left, silence falling over the station once more.

Bill stood still for a moment, wondering where he went wrong in life to deserve the conflicting feelings he had.  _When you didn’t drive Michelle to her parents,_ his brain told him.

Of course.  It all came back to that day.  If he’d taken off work like she’d asked, she’d still be here and there’d be none of this Lisa business.

 _Or you’d both be dead_ , whispered a voice in his mind that sounded suspiciously like Lisa.

Bracing himself, Bill downed the last half of his glass in one fell swoop.  The moonshine was strong and he felt it hit his system.  Good thing he walked to work today; he could tell he was already in no shape to drive.

Damn Lisa, talking him into drinking.  Taunting him without realizing it. 

Damn him, for letting himself be attracted to someone else.  For betraying Michelle’s memory by looking elsewhere.  For not focusing one hundred percent on his job and his kids.

He didn’t deserve anything else.

~~~

 

Christmas came quicker than Bill was prepared for.

Thank goodness his parents were helping him come up with presents for the kids, because he’d been too distracted lately to handle it himself.

It’d been just over two weeks since the Marines came and Jericho hadn’t yet given up hope.  The Rangers knew the Corps of Engineers were never going to show, but surprisingly, the secret had stayed amongst them.

It was as if everyone knew how important hope was this winter.

So much had happened in those two weeks that meant hope was more important than ever.  April, one of two doctors left in town, had died.  Jericho men, including Stanley, had left to go work in New Bern.  The mood of the town was quiet and somber as the holiday season fell upon them.

The snow had started falling, too, swirling thick in the darkness as Bill walked the mile from work to the church, hunched with his hands in his pockets.  There was going to be a carol service and he’d made plans to meet his parents and kids there after his shift.  Unbeknownst to the kids, his parents were going to slip out early and go set up Santa presents at Bill’s house while the kids were occupied.

Bill smiled a little at the thought of Ashley and Josh’s surprise in the morning when they saw presents.  Ashley had figured out the truth about Santa two years ago, but Josh still believed and had been insistent all Advent that Santa would come, despite the bombs.  He was glad Josh wouldn’t be disappointed, even if the gifts were homemade and hand-me-down this year.  There were donated clothes and sweets that hadn’t been eaten at Halloween and Woody Taylor’s old bike for Josh.  Ashley was getting a dollhouse made by Bill’s dad.  Bill thought she might be a little old for that, but he wasn’t going to turn it down on her behalf.

The church sanctuary was almost warm, packed full of people.  Bill took off his gloves and shoved them in a pocket, looking around for his family as he did so.

Ashley and Josh were up front with the other children, playing around the nativity set.  His parents sat about halfway back–

–talking to Lisa.

Bill stopped where he was, unsure if he should go sit with them after all.  Things had been somewhat cool with Lisa the last two weeks.  He was pretty sure she was trying to pursue him still, but he’d done his best to hold her off.  He didn’t want to be weak and give into his attraction.  There wasn’t enough of him to give to another person and to be honest, he was content in his loneliness.  It felt right, as if it were some sort of penance for his mistakes.

Lisa was a stumbling block to that penance.

He started to duck into a back row, but it was too late.  Josh saw him and ran down the aisle yelling, “Daddy!”

Bill caught his son as he leapt into his arms and swung him once, there in the aisle.  “Heya, kid,” he said, pulling him into a hug.  “You have a good day?”

“Yeah!” Josh said, a little too loudly.  Christmas Eve obviously had him pumped up.  “It’s Christmas!”

“Tomorrow,” Bill said, trying to shush Josh as he did so.  They were attracting attention – particularly Lisa’s – and he wasn’t comfortable with that.  “Tomorrow’s the big day.”

“Santa’s coming, right?” Josh asked, suddenly serious.  “You promised.”

“I promised,” Bill agreed.  “He’s coming.”  Setting Josh down, he pushed him lightly back towards the other children.  He’d been spotted, so he might as well go sit with his parents and Lisa now.

He greeted his mom with a hug, his dad with a handshake, and Lisa with a curt nod.  He wasn’t sure what else to do.

“We told the kids we were leaving once you got here,” his mom said quietly.  “So I think we’ll sneak out now and take the presents to your house.”

“Thank you,” Bill said, truly grateful.  He couldn’t imagine trying to parent right now alone, without the help of his parents.  He’d prefer it if he had Michelle’s help, but he’d lost her.  Without her, he had to rely on his parents – and sometimes Jimmy and Margaret.

Guess there was some truth to that saying about it taking a village to raise children.  He certainly couldn’t do it by himself.

His parents slipped out and Bill was left in the pew with Lisa.

“The station quiet tonight?” she asked after an awkward silence.

“Yeah,” Bill said.  “For once it seems like people are actually in the holiday spirit.  It’s weird, but I’ll take it.”

“Good.  Everyone there deserves a break.”

“Yeah,” he repeated, unsure of what to say next.  Another awkward silence followed.

Lisa glanced around them and Bill looked too, noting that most people were involved in their own quiet conversations and not eavesdropping. 

“Can I ask you a question?”

Well, there was no real way to say ‘no’ politely.  Bill nodded.  “Sure.  What is it?”

“Why did you shut down on me after the Marines came?” she asked bluntly.  “Do you want me to back off or am I right about there being something we both need to face?”

Feeling his cheeks color, Bill looked straight ahead, watching his children play.  “There’s something,” he admitted.  “But there shouldn’t be and you shouldn’t wait on me.”

“I know what happened to your wife,” she said quietly, gently.  “That was terrible, but it’s been more than a year and I doubt she’d–”

“You don’t know what she’d want,” Bill cut her off.  “I don’t know what she’d want because _she’s not here_.”

“Okay,” Lisa allowed.  “But I know what _I’d_ want if I left behind a husband.  And I know it can’t be healthy for any of the three of you if you keep holding on to her.  Letting her go isn’t forgetting her, you know.”

This was not a comfortable conversation, but he didn’t see an easy way out of it.  “I’m doing the best I can,” he argued lamely.

“Of course you are.  But it might be time to try something else.  If not with me, then with _someone_.”

Bill turned and found Lisa staring at him meaningfully.

“Just think about it,” she said.  “For your kids’ sake.”

Using his kids against him like that was low, but even through the prickly irritation that filled him, Bill knew she spoke some sense.  He’d heard the same from Margaret, who’d been one of Michelle’s friends.  He just didn’t want to hear it again.

Thankfully, he was saved from having to say any more by the town’s assorted preachers and music leaders coming out with the combined choirs.  The kids all ran back to their parents and the carol service started.

Lisa said nothing else to Bill, although she did share a hymnal with Ashley while Bill shared with Josh.  When the service ended, she simply wished the three of them ‘Merry Christmas’ and slipped away into the crowd.

Bill walked home, one child holding each hand, and listened to them talk excitedly about what presents they might get.  It was a close thing, but he managed to get them in the house and to their respective bedrooms without them seeing the presents in the living room.

Lying in bed, he found himself imagining – as he often did – that he wasn’t alone in the queen sized bed, that Michelle was back with him, breathing deeply and evenly and reassuringly as she slept.

It was only as he drifted off that Bill realized he hadn’t been imagining Michelle, but Lisa.

~~~

 

A tense week passed: the snow and cold hit Jericho with a vengeance, leaving families huddling together at nights for warmth.

Most of them.  Ashley and Josh both slept in her bed, but Bill slept alone – he was still getting in after their bedtime some nights.  Rather than walk to and from his parents’ in the cold – or ask his aging parents to do the same – Ashley had started taking over some of Bill’s job as parent.  He felt guilty, but didn’t have a better option.

Despite the three quilts piled on it, his bed was still cold when he woke in the mornings.  The kids seemed warmer when he checked on them.

Good.  That’d been the plan when he gave them the remaining five blankets in the house.

Bill shivered as he gave himself a frigid sponge bath, taking off pajamas and dressing as he went.  The sun wasn’t up yet, but he kissed his sleeping kids goodbye and set off for work anyway, bracing against the harsh prairie wind.  Most all of the snow was gone today, which was nice, but it was still cold as hell.

Today was January first.  A whole new year in a whole new world.  Part of him wanted to hope that this year would bring some actual rescue, but Bill doubted it.  Ever since Michelle’s death, things had gone from bad to worse.  There wasn’t any reason to believe in a real change in his fortunes.

Maybe this year, an asteroid would hit Earth and kill them all.  That was about all he could think of that was worse than what had already happened.

The station was lit up and warm when he walked in – the windmill was putting out enough power to light and heat both the clinic and the station all the time now, since they were the two places people worked around the clock.  It made working days nicer, but he felt bad that the other windmills weren’t done yet so that houses could be heated.  Everyone in Jericho still checked on their neighbors each morning to make sure no one had frozen to death during the night.

The daily tally of the dead was Bill’s least favorite part of the day.  The cold didn’t totally discriminate, though it did hit the elderly and children heavier.  Neither was pleasant to have to deal with.

“Happy new year!  Warm enough?” asked a soft voice, shaking him from his reverie.  He realized he’d stopped by the kerosene heater near the door.

“Uh, happy new year to you, Lisa,” he said, trying to inject some enthusiasm in his voice.

She studied him for a moment and he wanted to shrink under the scrutiny.  Did she know how depressed his thoughts had just been?

Apparently.

“You need to get out of your head,” she said.  “Come on, we’ve made it more than three months since the bombs and we’ve already got power back to the station and the clinic.  More windmills are coming, so we’ll be able to heat houses soon.  The Corps of Engineers are coming any day now and we’ll be back to civilized life.

A pang of guilt ran through Bill.  Lisa – and the rest of Jericho – still didn’t know that the Marines had been fake.  How long could the secret hold?

“Follow me,” she said.  “I want to show you something.”

Bill nodded and followed her to the records room.  Looking around, he didn’t see anything out of place that needed his attention.

A warm hand settled on his cheek and forced him to look to the side.  Lisa leaned in and next thing Bill knew, they were kissing.

Oh. 

 _Oh_.

He hadn’t expected that, but it was nice.  Tentatively, he brought a hand up to cup the back of Lisa’s head.

That just seemed to encourage her.  She forced his mouth open with her tongue and he let her in without thinking.

She pulled back just enough Bill could get a breath and speak.  “What was that for?” he asked, fully aware his voice was trembling.

“I told you, you need to get out of your head.”  Lisa smiled and leaned in for another kiss.  “And if you haven’t figured out by now that I like you, Bill, you’re a lot dumber than I think you are.”

Bill knew he was plenty dumb.  He’d been so caught up in his own mess of feelings for Lisa that he never stopped to consider her making a move.

He knew why he liked _her._   He had no idea why she liked _him_.

She laughed – quietly, so no one outside of the room would hear – when he said that out loud.  “You’re a good man,” she said.  “There’s a lack of those out there these days.”

“So I’m the choice by default?” he said, allowing himself a smile between kisses.

More kisses trailed up his jaw to his ear.  “No.  You’ve always been first choice.  You’re just slow.”

Well, he couldn’t argue that point.  And right now, he didn’t want to.

He closed his eyes as Lisa kissed his neck and Michelle entered his mind.  She didn’t look disapproving, but…

Disappointed.

“Wait,” Bill said, pushing Lisa back.  “I can’t do this.”

Lisa bit her bottom lip.  “What do you mean?  You can.  There’s nothing wrong with what we’re doing.  Neither of us have even clocked in yet, if you’re worried about that.”

“No,” he said gently.  “This is wrong _for me_.  I– It’s only been a year.  I’m not ready for a new relationship.  I’m not ready to move on.”

She was quiet for a moment.  “This doesn’t have to be a relationship,” she said.  “It could just be something fun, something to keep us both warm during the winter.”

Oh, that was a temptation, but…

“My kids,” he said.  “I’m not going to set a bad example for them and be with you if I can’t mean it.  I can’t go further than we already have.  I can’t kiss you again knowing I can’t commit.”

Taking a step back, Lisa watched him carefully.  “I was right, though.  You _are_ a good man.  Only you’re too good of one.”  She wrapped her arms around her stomach.  “You don’t have to be a martyr, you know.”

Bill hung his head.  “I can’t, Lisa.  Please just trust me on that.  I’m sorry.”

He left her in the records room, biting his own lips to try and stop the swell of emotion in his own chest.

Yes, he liked Lisa.  He couldn’t deny that.  But he wasn’t over Michelle, not even close, and it wasn’t fair to Lisa if he couldn’t give her all of himself, if there were a ghost between them.

 

It was only an hour after their impromptu make out session that Lisa emerged from the records room, avoiding Bill’s gaze.  Before he could try and apologize to her again, Ashley and Josh showed up.

Noting again their resemblance to Michelle, guilt rocked him and it took him a second to realize that they were breaking the rules by being there.

“You guys are supposed to be at home, not getting out in this weather,” he fussed.

“It’s cold at home,” Josh pouted.

“He was whining,” Ashley said with a shrug.  “He wanted Mom.”

More guilt.

Bill picked up his son and hugged him.  “I’m sorry Mom’s not here,” he said, completely heartfelt.  “I’m sorry it’s cold at home.  But it’s colder walking here than it is staying there.”

“Not if we run,” protested Josh, leaning against his shoulder.

Gently, Bill placed a hand on Ashley’s cold cheek and directed her towards the kerosene heater.  “Okay.  So you’re here now.  That means you stay here until I have to leave.  You got that?”

Both kids nodded.  Josh wiggled to get free and Bill set him down so he could warm up too.

Almost as soon as he did, Greg Simmons – who owned the farm next to Stanley’s – stalked in with his two kids, Greg Jr. and Katie.  “Koehler,” he said, not even bothering to use Bill’s ‘deputy’ honorific, “we need to talk.”

“Sure,” Bill said.  “What is it?”  Probably theft of firewood or someone cutting down windbreak trees to _make_ firewood.

“You want to tell me why Richmond is hiding a tank?”

Bill froze.  He’d almost – _almost_ – forgotten that the Marine’s tank was stashed away on Stanley’s farm.

Shit.  Shit shit shit.  How did he handle this?

“Come into the office and tell me about it,” he said, reverting back to the management voice he’d had to develop since the Sheriff’s death.

“No,” Simmons refused.  “You can clear this up right now in front of everyone.”

Bill looked down at his kids, who were watching him wide-eyed.  “Ashley, Josh, go check and see if Mayor Anderson is in his office yet.  If he’s not, wait for him and bring him here as soon as he comes in.”

Ashley nodded and took Josh’s hand again.

Bill tried to reach out and clap Greg on the shoulder, but he pulled away.  “Katie saw it when she was chasing a rabbit.  I went and looked, too.  That was the Marine’s tank.  _Why is it here_?”

Without needing to look around, Bill knew all eyes were on him.  The deputies who were also Rangers knew why, of course, but there were deputies who weren’t Rangers.  There were volunteers like Lisa who still believed in the Marines.

He was about to have to burst that bubble.  He opened his mouth to speak and–

–And Gray Anderson showed up in the doorway.  “Because the Marines were playing us,” the mayor said calmly.  “They weren’t really Marines, so Johnston and I had the Rangers confiscate their weapons and food and yes, the tank, and sent them on their way.”

A murmur ran through the room.

“You mean the Corps of Engineers aren’t really coming?” asked Lisa from the back of the room.

“No,” Gray said, still calm.  “They aren’t.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” asked a deputy.

“Because the last thing this town needed was to lose hope.”

Someone scoffed.  “What do you think’s gonna happen now?”

Gray raised his hands in a pacifying gesture.  “I’m going to ask that we keep this information here in the station and not spread it across town.  That hope may be the only thing that gets us through the winter.”

The tenor of the murmurs changed and Bill knew Gray had just made a mistake.  The news was going to be across town in a matter of hours.

What would they do then?

 

‘A matter of hours’ became two hours before Town Hall was swamped with people, all clamoring to know what was going on.

Why did they have the tank?

What did that mean about the food supply?

Weren’t they going to be saved?

Bill and Jimmy directed the deputies to keep people out of Gray’s office until the mayor was ready to make a statement.

Unfortunately, Gray never _was_ ready.  He stayed in his office, kept his regular appointments, and went upstairs to stare at the rations board again and again.  When night fell, he slipped out the back of Town Hall and went home.

Frustrated, Bill assigned a couple night deputies to follow him, just to keep people from bugging him at home.

Bill walked his children to Jimmy’s house, where Margaret and Darcy Hawkins met all of them with a hot meal of chicken broth and homemade bread smeared and toasted with a little fat.  The adults were silent, for the most part, while the children chattered and played together under the watchful eye of Allison Hawkins.

“Tomorrow’s ration day,” Jimmy said near the end of the meal.  “That’s not going to go well.”

Bill gulped, knowing that he was supposed to oversee tomorrow’s ration handout.  “I’m not sure _anything_ is going to go well anymore,” he said morosely.  “Roger said he was coming back and going to talk to Gray come Hell or high water.  That’s _definitely_ not going to go well.”

“Yeah,” Jimmy agreed, finishing up his bread.  “It really isn’t.”

 

The next morning, Bill left Ashley and Josh with strict instructions to stay inside all day, no matter what happened outside.

Bill wasn’t sure what _would_ happen today, but he had a hunch it wasn’t going to be anything good.  The angry line waiting outside Town Hall didn’t assuage his fears in the least.

“What’s going on, Bill?” someone called and all he could do was just shrug.

“I’m figuring it out just like you are,” he said, fudging the truth a bit.  It wasn’t a total lie – he _was_ figuring it out; he’d just known this whole time the Marines were fake.

From the look the crowd gave him at his answer, he was glad there wasn’t any food to spare or he’d be pelted with tomatoes or something.

Things didn’t get better when the ration table opened.  Nor when Roger and Emily showed up to talk to the mayor.  Nor when Jake arrived and asked Bill how it was going.

“You better get in there,” he said, opening the door to the mayor’s office.  “I think we _really_ screwed ourselves this time.”

Bill was right.  Gray and Roger were laying into each other, each arguing from a place of emotion, not logic.  Bill had to side with the mayor, though.  He’d seen the rations board.  He knew how little there was.  He knew how unlikely it was that they’d survive the winter if things didn’t change drastically.

And Roger’s refugees?  Sure, Bill understood Roger’s attachment to his friends, but keeping them in town just wasn’t feasible any more.  He dared to say so, which just got him nasty looks from Roger and Emily.

Those looks told Bill pretty clearly he’d just lost a couple of friends.

There wasn’t anything he could do about it, though.  He had to be rational, especially with Gray casting about for answers.  After the meeting, when he, Harry, and Gray were upstairs in the meeting room, staring at that damned rations board again, Gray suggested cutting rations in half again.

Bill shook his head.  How the hell was he going to feed two growing children on quarter rations?  His kids were already alarmingly skinny and he knew _he’d_ been dropping weight since the rationing started.

“It’s more than the food,” Harry pointed out.  “What about medicine?  Those refugees came here sick.  They’ve been burning through our meds for a month.”

“Can we make it to spring, Harry?”

The answer was blunt.  “Some of us can.  Not all.”

Bill fidgeted, upset with this whole situation.  Could they have avoided this if they’d been up front about the Marines the whole time?  Should they have acted sooner?

Yeah, probably.  He felt for the refugees, he really did, but he had to look after his family first.  Jericho citizens next.  Refugees who didn’t contribute as much as they took were way down his list.

He thought of Lisa, briefly, knowing she’d always aligned herself with the other refugees.  Would he kick her out, too?

It made his insides twist, but yeah.  Bill would, if it meant the survival of his kids.

“Crime’s been going up since they got here,” he said, hoping to give the mayor a reason to make the decision he had to.

“Crime’s been going up since the bombs,” Gray countered.

Bill tried not to roll his eyes.  Refugees had been arriving since the bombs.  His argument was still valid.  “It’s gotta be done,” he insisted.  “The numbers speak for themselves.  Just look at ‘em!”

“I don’t need to look at them!  I see them in my sleep,” snapped Gray.

Bill looked down at his hands, fingers tapping impatiently.  Gray knew what had to be done.  He just have to be talked into it – and Bill was doing his best.

“What are you going to do?” he asked.

Gray sighed, long and heavy.  “I guess we move them out,” he said in resignation.

“There’s that FEMA camp out near Goodland,” Harry reminded the group.  “They should have gone there in the first place.”

Damn straight.  Jericho had stretched herself caring for the hundred or so refugees that had come in since the beginning.  She’d reached the breaking point now and it was time for the refugees to move on.

All of them, if they had to.  Even the ones like Lisa, who Bill still couldn’t get out of his mind.

It had to be done.

 

The initial effort to get the refugees to move out hadn’t gone well.  Bill nursed his black eye and bruised cheek – damn Kyle – with a cold, damp cloth and searched through the station for the tear gas.

“What are you doing?”  Lisa’s voice was cool and controlled and Bill had enough sense of self-preservation to know that was a bad sign.

He wasn’t going to lie to her, though.  “The refugees in the church have barricaded themselves in.  Mayor Anderson wants me to get the tear gas.”

“ _Tear gas_?!” she exclaimed.  “Bill, you can’t.”

“It’s not my call,” he argued.  “I’ve got to do what the mayor says.” 

He turned to face her and she gasped at the swelling on his face.  “Who did that to you?”

“One of the refugees,” he said.  “Lisa, move.  I need to get into that closet.”

“No,” she said firmly.  “Bill, you can’t use tear gas on them.  Some of them are still sick.”

“I don’t have a choice,” he reiterated.  “I’m just doing my job.”

“Then your job is wrong.”

“ _Move_ ,” he said, almost growling, not wanting to debate the issue any more.

Stunned, Lisa stepped aside.  Almost as soon as he opened the closet door behind her, he found the tear gas.  He grabbed it and headed for the door.

“Bill!” Lisa called.  “Don’t do this, please.  What if it were me in there?  Don’t forget, I’m a refugee, too.”

“I haven’t forgotten,” he said.  “But like I said, I’m doing my job.”

He felt her eyes boring into his back as he left the station with the box.

 

The tear gas worked, but chaos ensued.  One refugee escaped, one died, and the others were corralled off to the side of the alleyway by the church.

Sick to his stomach, lungs and eyes burning from the gas, Bill followed Gray and Harry back up to the meeting room to discuss their next moves.

“What’s the situation?” Gray asked, leaning against the window and watching the mess down the street.  He looked defeated already.

“One of the refugees is still out there,” Bill pointed out.

“You have Rangers search the barns.  Use dogs if it’ll help.”

Dogs?  They didn’t have a K-9 unit or any search and rescue trained dogs in town.  It was just pets and there wasn’t any way they could count on pet dogs to track down a runaway.  Bill fiddled anxiously with his gloves, ready to leave and _do something already_.

“And the rest of them?” Harry asked.

“Take ‘em to the med center and get them fixed up, Harry.”  Briefly, Gray glanced back at the other two men.

“Then send them away?” Harry prompted.

Bill watched to see Gray’s response.

Gray disappointed him.  He looked disturbed, as if he regretted that choice.

“What about the extra food you promised them?”

Shrugging, Gray looked back out the window.  “Give it to them.

“After what they did to _us_?” Bill asked, aghast.  How _dare_ Gray give anything to these people?  They’d lost all privileges – in his mind – when they attacked him and the other deputies.

“Will you just do it before someone else gets hurt?” yelled Gray, making Bill jump.

Bill’s expression hardened as he left.

 

‘Before someone else gets hurt’ turned out to be a very short amount of time.

Bill sat on the tavern’s rooftop, peering through the sights into the meeting room, trying to get the bead on Roger.

He didn’t want to shoot Roger, but he’d brought this on himself.

God, Bill was so glad his kids were at home and not out in the middle of this chaos.  Last thing he wanted was for them to have a mental image of their father shooting a man, especially a man Bill used to consider a friend.

Today had been so fucking crazy.

Emily kept moving in his line of sight and Bill sighed, resetting his rifle.  He definitely didn’t want to shoot her, especially when it looked like she might be trying to talk some sense into Roger.

Bill needed her to move, though.  If this took too long, if he didn’t take out Roger, Mayor Anderson might die anyway.  And Roger had already proved his willingness to shoot – he might decide to finish the job and kill Gray himself.  Bill _had_ to do something, and soon.

Roger, briefly, stepped in front of the window.  Bill took aim, breathing deeply.  His finger had the trigger half-pulled when the blinds slammed shut – probably Jake, meddling again.

Bill fired anyway.

He waited with bated breath, hoping Jake would come out and tell them everything was okay.

Jake didn’t and Bill knew he missed.

He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.  He wasn’t sure how he was _supposed_ to feel about that.

The only one who came out of Town Hall was Lisa, escorted by Jimmy and the other deputies.  That made sense; they didn’t want civilians – even helpful ones – in the building when an active shooter and hostage situation was going on.

She looked up at the rooftop and caught Bill’s eyes, fear etched on her face.

Bill didn’t mean to scare her, but like he told her earlier, he was just doing his job.  And sometimes his job was dirty.

At least this time _he_ wasn’t the hostage.

He perched on the roof, watching for another chance to shoot, as the school bus was brought in and loaded up with supplies. 

Why were they _still_ giving away food and clothing that was so desperately needed at home?

Bill didn’t get his answer, because Gail Green stepped into the road and began imploring people to let the refugees stay, to take them in, to let them in on their rations.

Frowning, Bill tightened his grip on his rifle.  People weren’t going to go for that, surely?

To his surprise, many did.  Soon, there were enough families volunteering to share that all the refugees now had a sponsor.

Wow.  Bill had really misjudged the mood of the town.  Or maybe the town didn’t care what the refugees had done – stealing food, attacking the deputies.  Either way, he didn’t feel as warm and fuzzy about Jericho as he had just this morning.

He very carefully didn’t look at Lisa in the crowd.

Jimmy stepped out of Town Hall.  “They’re coming out!” he hollered.

Bill quickly moved across the rooftop to a spot where he could cover the open square.  As he’d told Jake, if he got the shot, he was taking it – even with all these people here.

Roger came out, holding Jake at gunpoint, just at an angle where Bill couldn’t get a clean shot.  _Damn_ it.

Gail carefully approached Roger, explaining that she’d found homes and food for the refugees and that the crisis was over.

Slowly, Roger put down his gun and let Jake go.  Jimmy was there immediately to take him down and arrest him.

Bill relaxed.  His part of the job was done for now – Roger was in custody and he hadn’t had to shoot anyone.

Thank God.

 

The next morning, Bill leaned against the flagpole, watching Roger disappear down Main Street. 

Jake clapped Bill on the shoulder.  “Dad’s setting up the Marine radio at Bailey’s, if you want to go have a listen.  There’s usually a lunchtime news broadcast.”

Bill nodded.  “I’m on desk duty today, but I’ll send Jimmy.  We need to know that stuff.  Thanks, Jake.”

No word passed between them about Roger or what happened yesterday.  It probably never would.

The crowd dispersed and Bill wandered back inside the station, looking forward to the warmth.

He wasn’t looking forward to facing Lisa today, if she even showed up.

No, she was there, he saw, but she was pointedly ignoring him.

Bill wanted to say something, but was only half sure his words would be right.  He tried anyway.

“I’m sorry about yesterday,” he said.  “You were probably right that the tear gas was a bad idea.”

“Probably?” she asked without looking up from the reports she was alphabetizing.  “Bill, you _know_ it was a bad idea and you did it anyway and Rachel died because of it.  Gray got shot because of it.  That’s all on your head, you know.”

No, Bill didn’t know.  He didn’t consider any of that his fault.  He didn’t direct the refugees to board themselves up.  He didn’t ask to be hit.  He didn’t ask for the mayor to be taken hostage.  It was entirely unfair of Lisa to blame any of that on him.

He started to argue the point but realized it was useless.  He wasn’t going to change Lisa’s mind and she wasn’t going to change his.  He walked past her to his desk.

She followed.  “I’m just letting you know I’m won’t be back in.  I’m finishing up things today and that’ll be the last you have to deal with a refugee handling your stuff.”

Bill sighed deeply.  “Lisa–”

“No.  You’ve made your opinions pretty clear.  You weren’t interested in me the other day and yesterday showed me why.  I’ll never be anything but a refugee to you.  I get it.  So I’m gone.”

That was all wrong, but Bill didn’t have the words or the energy to argue.  If he tried to get her to stay – because she really _was_ good at her job – she’d read that as him being interested in something more.  Like he’d said, though, he wasn’t ready for that, no matter how attractive he found her.  How nice it’d been to kiss her.  “You aren’t leaving town?” he asked instead.

“No.  I’m going to go volunteer at the clinic instead.  I can file there as well as I can file here.”  She paused.  “Spring comes, though, and I’ll get out of your hair completely.”

“Assuming we don’t all starve before then,” Bill muttered reflexively.

Lisa glared at him.  “I’ll try to eat lightly, then, Deputy.”

She took her stack of papers to the records room and left Bill slumped at his desk, hands covering his face.

Damn Roger.  Damn Gray.  Damn whoever set off the bombs and put them in this situation.  Why did everything have to fall apart?

At least Ashley and Josh showed up at lunchtime, bringing him a sprout salad from the stuff Stanley had shared with them.

He ruffled Josh’s hair and hugged them both close, doing his best to hide his mood.

Maybe it was good Lisa was leaving.  Bill needed to focus on his kids and she was nothing but a distraction.

“Love you guys,” he said out of the blue.  “You know that, right?”

Ashley and Josh nodded.  “Yes, daddy,” she said, hugging him back.  “We know.”

A weight lifted from Bill’s chest.  It didn’t matter what Lisa did.  He had everyone who mattered with him right now.

~~~

 

The military – the real military – showed up in a blast of napalm, rocking Bill back and splintering the pallet he and Jimmy were using as meager cover.

He was vaguely aware of a gunshot through his wrist and splinters shredding his thighs.  Mostly the pain made him black out until he woke up in Jericho’s clinic.

Lisa stood at the foot of his bed with a chart.  Of course she was the nurse assigned to him.  Just his luck.

He croaked her name and she looked at him as if he were a stranger.

“You need water?” she asked curtly.

Bill nodded, not wanting to talk again until he got the water.

“Your kids are outside,” she said.  “You want them in here?”

Oh thank God.  Whatever had happened, his kids were okay.  He’d done his job.

At his nod, Lisa pulled the door open and gestured for the kids to come in. 

They ran in and climbed on the bed next to him, making him wince.  It was almost like those first few nights after the bombs, except this time he was apparently on some good pain medications.

A glance out the window showed it _was_ nearly night, and before too long, all three Koehlers dozed off on Bill’s bed, his bandaged arms wrapped around the kids.

He stirred when Lisa came into the room sometime around ten, according to the clock.

“I’m leaving,” she said.  “Felt like I ought to tell you before I go.”

“Off shift?” Bill asked.  His head wasn’t entirely clear.

“No.  Leaving Jericho.  This army is out of Cheyenne and I got a seat on a convoy headed back there.  I’m going to see if their hospitality is any better than yours.”

His heart clenched a little.  It’d been months since their only kisses, since they ever had a chance, but he still thought about her a lot.  “You can stay,” he said softly.  “Don’t leave because of me.”

“I’m not going to stay because of you, Bill,” she said.  “Not after everything you did and said.  I can’t.”

Deep inside, Bill understood.  Lisa would always feel like an outsider and he’d helped to try and push out other outsiders.  He was now ‘them’ to her ‘us.’  Nothing he would do could probably change that.

“Okay,” he said.  “But you be careful.  Come back if you need us.”

Lisa gave him a withering glance and he knew he’d never see her again.  “Goodbye, Bill.  I hope you get your town back.”

He winced at her sharp words.  “Bye, Lisa,” he said.  “I hope you find a home.”

Without another word, she was gone, leaving Bill with his kids.

He kissed the tops of their heads as they slept.

At least, whatever happened, he still had them and they still had him.  Maybe with this new military in town, he could spend more time with them.  Maybe things would go back to normal.

He had faith – and if his faltered, he was sure Ashley and Josh had enough hope and faith for the three of them.

If only they still had Michelle, Bill would feel like their lives were complete now.  Someday, maybe, someone could step in and love his kids as much as he did, but that was years down the road.

With a deep sigh, he settled back down on the hospital bed and fell asleep, dreaming of his family when it was whole – and of Lisa, finding a place without him.  Of the world as it should be.

In his sleep, Bill smiled.


End file.
